I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
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I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Catering service
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
That’s no pocket rocket.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats