6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
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Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.