If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
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I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me driving through Toronto
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.