How do you milk an almond?
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Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup