If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
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I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
*launders Kohls cash*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis