I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?