I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
i think we should see other cousins
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Hamburger Hinderer.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.