Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
You Might Also Like
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him