When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
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<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”