Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.