When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called