My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
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Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy