3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
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Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
oh my god
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.