And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
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There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Free him
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.