Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
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The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.