i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
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Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow