Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
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The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie