Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
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[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying