If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
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Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I’m confused about plants
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great