Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
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GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.