My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
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*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”