I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
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The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced