Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
You Might Also Like
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?