If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
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Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy