How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
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Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
how to exercise your calf muscles
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
me logging onto twitter
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep