I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
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well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
repaired
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”