it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
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Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[adds another nod to the conversation]