When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Was it something I said?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.