Apparently, this is how the world ends.
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Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”