[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
58.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.