Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
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Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.