A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
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“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
This is my favorite one of these!
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff