Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
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On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I’m not wrong
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?