Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
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Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Me sliding into hell like
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Running from your problems is cardio .
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.