If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
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i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
More like Kate Missington.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.