Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Mornin
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.