my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now