If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
some things should go without saying
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English