Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
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Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
liiiiiiiiike
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?