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I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no