My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
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Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Cinematography is my passion
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.