When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
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Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
📽️movie date🎞️
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
guilty
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: