Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Chicken bread
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking