Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
You Might Also Like
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.