My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
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Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
A family that plays together cheats.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
channeling her this year
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.