Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
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*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.