Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
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People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?