If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
dictator is short for richard potato
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler