5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
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interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.