“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏